Life with…

My ‘Western Standard’ Apartment
I love this phrase. ‘Western’ is often used in Ukraine as a synonym for many things; ‘Good’. ‘Modern’, ‘High-quality’, ‘Non Corrupt’, ‘Functioning’ and (basically) ‘desirable’. Essentially what it means is – ‘works ok’ or ‘isn’t Ukrainian’. So, whilst my ‘western standard’ apartment isn’t much like anything I’ve seen in the ‘West’ (for many reasons) it is comfortable and has plenty of ‘working stuff’. This includes hot water, a toilet, a shower/bath, fridge/freezer, a washing machine and warmish radiators. The power sockets work and so do most of the lights. It even has a gas oven and 4 gas hobs although, so far, I’ve only been brave enough to use the one on the front left. The others have ‘gas explosion’ written all over them. I have a balcony, a wardrobe, plenty of space and a bed and combined, they add up to make a pretty decent living space.

Baby Nova
Measuring about 1 foot by 2 feet – Baby Nova, my washing machine (and yes it’s the real name) is possibly the most pathetic piece of household electronics I’ve ever seen. It also leaks, continues to ‘wash’ with the door open and so far, I haven’t worked out from the strange pictures how to get a hot (even warm) wash. However, I’ve grown strangely attached to it. There’s something endearing about its shitness and the way it wobbles like a wounded R2D2 for hours in an attempt to wash my pants. I’m under no illusion that it’s quicker or better than washing them in the sink but I’m giving up. As long as Baby nova spins, I’ll provide the dirty laundry to fill it.

‘Owner’
My landlord or ‘owner’ as he’s commonly referred to in these parts is also, like Baby Nova, a likeable (if slightly annoying and useless) disaster. He’s friendly, resourceful (yes I mean tight-fisted) and happy to repeat the 7 words of English he knows but he keeps turning up drunk and breaking things. He managed to fix the light the other day but in doing so he set fire to my extractor fan, said ‘fire’ in English and then vanished. Sheesh…