I pack my case

I check my face. I look a little bit older. I look a little bit colder.
With one deep breath, and with one big step…

I conquered Iceland, conquered Europe and conquered 30 years of life on planet earth. Julius Caesar, Mr Hitler and Starbucks – eat your heart out. I did them all and didn’t have to kill anyone. Even better – nobody killed me and I’m still here to entertain you with my somewhat pointless Bearder rantings.

But, before I take time out to contenplate life after Europe, it’s time for some wholly un-british boasting…

For those who don’t know, I’ve been on a mission to visit every country in Europe over the last 5 last weekend it all finished in Iceland. Inspired by a picture of a military pillbox (and encouraged by a £20 bet) I started in Athens in June 2003 and finished 115 beds and 152 towns, cities and villages later – in Iceland. From Tampere to Athens, Coimbra to Odessa, my mission is to conquer Europe took me through 46 different countries (plus two unrecognized territories) speaking 36 languages and dealing in 27 currencies.

I took 15 trips out of the UK
Left my job more times than I can remember
Slept in 115 beds
Slept with… (ha ha – mind your own business!)
Visited 150+ towns and cities in 46 countries and 2 unrecognised
territories
Sailed on 13 boats, rode 52 trains and took 24 flights, many many buses,
numerous taxis and the occasional trolley bus, cable car and horse drawn
carriage.

I didn’t get arrested but did loose 5 credit cards.

I met some of the funniest, coolest, interesting, sexist, annoying, arrogant, dim, odd and outright hospitable people you could imagine, got lost more times than Wally and found fame and fortune in at least two countries.

It’s tempting to list all the people here that helped me, saved me, hosted me and took pity on me during the last 5 years but the list would be too long and let’s face it, it wouldn’t mean much to anyone except me. However, I am truly thankful to everyone I know and everyone I now know as a result of my mission. For better or worse they all made it enjoyable – even the whooping, air-punching, George Bush-shouting Texan girl I met in Greece. If I find the time and money to do it again and drop in for another pivo, I will and that’s a promise.

I’ll also refrain from a deep and meaningful blurb about the ‘lessons I’ve learnt’ etc because I’m not convinced they’re any different to anyone else who’s been alive for the last 5 years. You get older – you learn stuff. You don’t need to be in another country to do it. However, for the record (and to save you all a lot of traveling) I can confirm that:

1. Tunnels, passageways and public stairs smell of urine in every country in Europe.
2. People in every country (without exception) blame their problems and their country’s problems on people who are not from their country.
3. No two neighboring countries like each other.
4. Nobody in the world knows what the silver bullet shaped things are on the wall in Balkan toilets.
5. Burek is not Slovene
6. The Soviets did more harm than the Germans
7. Nobody outside France speaks French. Ignore your GCSE French teacher and learn a Slavic language.
8. If you need a beer on a long train – find the Russian carriage.
9. the word for ‘Center’ is almost the same in every country (Centar, Centrum etc etc)
10. If someone tells you not to go somewhere, it’s because they are neighbors – go there, you’ll have a lot of fun.

Finally, my advice to anyone thinking of doing something similar would be…

Just wing-it
Don’t plan too much (if at all)
Don’t worry about anything (except rabid dogs).
(You are unlikely to die)
Don’t wait for anyone.
(People, myself included are reassuringly unreliable)
Always, always, always take food and water on long train journeys.
(I always, always, always forget this and always, always, always regret it)
Always ask.
(groups of teenage girls are the most likely to speak English, least likely to mug you and often ask you more questions that you’ve just asked then but, look lost, worried or confused enough and someone always takes pity)
and finally,
Collect stuff, keep a diary and draw stuff – it’s amazing what you forget when you get home and get old.

What’s next? Well… I have a plan but it’s too late to keep typing and you’re probably getting bored reading. So, until next time – here’s some pictures of Iceland

Eddy.

PS, I’ve changed my mind – I think I will write about all the people I met. Just not now – there’s too many.
PPS. If anyone sees Sturat Clarke – tell him I want my £20.

Posted from: www.bearder.com

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12 Comments

  1. TJB

    Congratulations on your memorable achievement.
    This entry shows a great understanding of human nature, besides offering practical advice for travelers in general.

  2. TJB

    Congratulations on your memorable achievement.
    This entry shows a great understanding of human nature, besides offering practical advice for travelers in general.

  3. Anonymous

    beardy, a bit too late, but…
    someone in the world DOES know what the silver bulletty things are on balkan walls – water valves. nothing happened when you tried turning them just because they have a lid.

    congrats again!!!
    xxx

  4. Anonymous

    beardy, a bit too late, but…
    someone in the world DOES know what the silver bulletty things are on balkan walls – water valves. nothing happened when you tried turning them just because they have a lid.

    congrats again!!!
    xxx

  5. HEJ MATE JUST TO LET YOU KNOW THAT FRENCH IS SPOKEN BY MORE THAN 450 000 000 PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ON FIVE CONTINENTS.
    SO I DEFENITLY THINK THAT MAKES FRENCH MORE USEFUL THAN ANY SLAVIC LANGUAGES….

  6. HEJ MATE JUST TO LET YOU KNOW THAT FRENCH IS SPOKEN BY MORE THAN 450 000 000 PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ON FIVE CONTINENTS.
    SO I DEFENITLY THINK THAT MAKES FRENCH MORE USEFUL THAN ANY SLAVIC LANGUAGES….

  7. Edd

    Yes, thank you ‘tophe and I know that you speak 450000000 languages so, I stand corrected.

    What I should have said is “…in EUROPE, nobody speaks French outside of France…”

    (except you of course)

    You know it’s true … and yes, I know about Corsica etc, I’m talking generally.

    Comprendre?

  8. Edd

    Yes, thank you ‘tophe and I know that you speak 450000000 languages so, I stand corrected.

    What I should have said is “…in EUROPE, nobody speaks French outside of France…”

    (except you of course)

    You know it’s true … and yes, I know about Corsica etc, I’m talking generally.

    Comprendre?

  9. In europe??? what about Belgium, Luxembourg, andorra, switzerland, val d aoste, that s already a lot of places. And i m not speaking about romania where first foreign language taught is … French…

  10. In europe??? what about Belgium, Luxembourg, andorra, switzerland, val d aoste, that s already a lot of places. And i m not speaking about romania where first foreign language taught is … French…

  11. Edd

    Ok ok, you got me again. So there are a few countries BUT these countries/regions/principalities have a combined population of 18,886,203. Now since French is a minority language in most of them, I’ll be generous and divide this by two which gives us 9,443,101.5 (yes we have half a person) and this is less than the population of Serbia (roughly 10,150,265). Of these 9 million people I suspect that about 8 million are also fluent in English, 1 million are children and you could probably avoid speaking to the half person thus eliminating the need for us to learn French.

    The conclusion being that, outside of France, you don’t need (in fact it won’t help) to speak French. Also, I’ve only been twice but, I’ve never met a Romanian who wanted me to speak to him in French.

    Conversely, you could learn Russian and speak to almost everyone in the Baltic States, Belarus, Ukraine, Moldova, The older populations of Poland, Czech Republic, Slovakia, Romania and Hungary and lets not forget Russia itself. Armed with this, you would also understand many Serbian, Croatian, Bosnian, Slovenian, Macedonian and Montenegrin words.

    The main point of this essay being; that those who don’t speak English (with the exception France) are normally old and speak a Slavic language and/or German.

    Catch my dérive?

    Also, my case for a Slavic switch-over is also strengthened by the fact that an estimated 636,000 ‘new’ Europeans arrived to live in the UK since May 2004. Therefore, you’d have lots more chance to practice and to order your Orangina in Polish.

  12. Edd

    Ok ok, you got me again. So there are a few countries BUT these countries/regions/principalities have a combined population of 18,886,203. Now since French is a minority language in most of them, I’ll be generous and divide this by two which gives us 9,443,101.5 (yes we have half a person) and this is less than the population of Serbia (roughly 10,150,265). Of these 9 million people I suspect that about 8 million are also fluent in English, 1 million are children and you could probably avoid speaking to the half person thus eliminating the need for us to learn French.

    The conclusion being that, outside of France, you don’t need (in fact it won’t help) to speak French. Also, I’ve only been twice but, I’ve never met a Romanian who wanted me to speak to him in French.

    Conversely, you could learn Russian and speak to almost everyone in the Baltic States, Belarus, Ukraine, Moldova, The older populations of Poland, Czech Republic, Slovakia, Romania and Hungary and lets not forget Russia itself. Armed with this, you would also understand many Serbian, Croatian, Bosnian, Slovenian, Macedonian and Montenegrin words.

    The main point of this essay being; that those who don’t speak English (with the exception France) are normally old and speak a Slavic language and/or German.

    Catch my dérive?

    Also, my case for a Slavic switch-over is also strengthened by the fact that an estimated 636,000 ‘new’ Europeans arrived to live in the UK since May 2004. Therefore, you’d have lots more chance to practice and to order your Orangina in Polish.

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